How To Tell Your Parents You’re Pregnant When You’re Still In High School
Becoming sexually active in high school is not uncommon.
In general, it's no big deal. There will always be mixed societal opinions on it, but you're in a phase where it's absolutely normal and reasonable to be discovering and exploring intimacy with yourself and others. Plus, I was a teenager once. I disobeyed my parents a lot more than they know, even now. I believe there is nothing inherently evil about consensual, safe sexual exploration with someone your age.
I place very heavy emphasis on CONSENSUAL and SAFE. If you have been raped, notify your guardian(s), doctor and the police immediately.
Whether the contraceptives you were using failed, or you didn't use any, you're here because you may have to break the news to your parents that you're pregnant.
Don't worry though, here's a step-by-step on what to do.
1. Process how you're feeling about it.
You're allowed to feel a lot of ways about this, and no feeling about it is wrong. At the same time it's completely normal to not know exactly what to do. Freaking out can be a healthy part of your normal as long as you know when to rein it in. (I know I need a screaming session every now and then before I can lock in.)
When you're ready, take a breath.
Before you tell your parents, it may be helpful to research your options.
I'm going to use the acronym B.R.A.I.N. a lot in this post, because as a doula, it's my favorite acronym in the whole world for helping people empower themselves within their own decisions, so here's exactly what that means. (Spoiler: it’s a pros-and-cons list but better.)
B - Benefits
What are the benefits of this? How do I benefit from this?
R - Risks
What are the risks of this? What do I consider a risk about this?
A - Alternatives
What are the alternatives to this option? Are there any other options that will get me to the same goal?
I - Intuition
What is my gut telling me? Are there any red flags or green flags going on in my head when thinking or learning about this?
N - Next Steps
What are my/our next steps? What do I do? What does my support system do?
Using your BRAIN helps you take charge of your care while also learning about the ins and outs of certain choices.
2. Understand Your Options
Depending on where you are in your pregnancy and where you live, abortion may or may not be an option. Your parents also may be staunchly against termination of a pregnancy. Some states require parental consent to perform an abortion on a minor, and this may impede your ability to get one, should you wish to terminate this pregnancy. Or, you might not want one, and the opposite may be true.
If carrying this pregnancy to term, consider what adoption or raising the baby yourself/with your parents/with your partner would look like.
Whatever the circumstance, you might try using your BRAIN here to better understand how you feel about it, as well as how your parents might feel.
If you take nothing else from this blog post, I need you to understand that there is no "wrong" choice in how you choose to handle this, because you have the right to make choices for yourself. There are, of course, legal limitations to this in regards to healthcare and parenting rights, but figuring out where you stand, and where you CAN stand, is the first step in being confident in how things turn out.
Being confident in your knowledge will help you be confident in yourself.
3. If you don't have the best relationship with one or both of your parents...
It may be easier for you to talk first to a different adult, such as a school counselor, extended family member, doula, or a mentor. These people will be able to provide you with support and resources, often made for others in a situation similar to yours, and help you be more confident starting this conversation with your parents. Some doulas, such as myself (Alex Lanphear, Blue Moon Doula), will often offer low-cost or pro bono support for teen pregnancies regardless of your choice, and have access to resources that properly fit your needs.
4. Write it down
Writing down everything that’s in your head as you think it—also called ‘stream of consciousness’—can help you to process your own feelings and figure out the best way to say it to your parents.
Make sure you have your ideas, plans, and what you have researched written down too, as this will help them see that you’re taking responsibility. Most parents will consider their teenage daughter getting pregnant “irresponsible”, and them seeing that you have resources, plans or ideas laid out will help them have confidence in you.
Keeping track of all the BRAIN things without writing it down may be hard, so I implore you to dedicate a page or two to this upgraded pros-and-cons list.
5. Tell them in person (if possible)
The best way to clearly communicate is face to face. If this isn't possible, a video or phone call is the next safest bet to ensure there are no miscommunications.
There’s nothing I or anyone can tell you that will prepare you for this conversation, but I can tell you that being honest is key.
Admitting that you went against their advice, wishes, or rules may help them know that you understand the gravity of the situation.
6. Know that no matter what, support is available
Becoming pregnant, especially when it's unplanned, can come with a lot of feelings. Depending on the reactions of your parents, friends, and partner, you can feel very alienated.
No matter the reactions of the people that surround you, you are never going to be alone in your experience. You may feel embarrassed, ashamed, anxious or depressed at the thought of reaching out for help from people you don’t know. Support groups on Facebook, anonymous help lines,
7. Allow your parents to process in their own time
Like I mentioned before, there are a million possible feelings about pregnancy. Your parents probably understand the risk of teenage pregnancy because you're a teenager, but they might not expect it to happen to you. Their feelings can range from shocked, to overjoyed, to terrified, to everything in between.
Being your parents, they will naturally have more experience with most things in life. That is, unfortunately, how age works. They will (probably) not have experienced this before, though, so their first reaction may be something to take with a grain of salt.
That is NORMAL. Understanding that you're both going through this together and giving them—and yourself—space to process will help in the long run.
Your parents will probably ask who the father is, how you know him, how far along you are, and more. They will likely have their own thoughts and plans about the route you should choose with your pregnancy, and it’s important to remember that at the end of the day, you are in charge of your own body.
Next Steps and Resources
Social Support Resources
Facebook - Private and Public support groups made by and for teen parents.
Planned Parenthood - Full spectrum resources, options and support
ACOG Perinatal Psychiatric Support - American Coalition of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) perinatal mental health consultation
Psychology Today - Find a therapist specializing in the support you need
Parenting Resources
Parents As Teachers - Home visit service providing education about child development and parenting support
Healthy Children - More directed toward parents of pregnant teens, but working with your parent(s) with this resource can be more helpful than doing it alone.
Adoption Resources
American Adoptions - Has links for all listed resource types, but focused on adoption resources
U.S. Administration for Children and Families - U.S. Government site for adoption resources
Abortion Resources
Planned Parenthood - Information about abortion
Northwest Abortion Access Fund - WA, AK, OR, ID funding and insurance assistance. Funding is limited.
Continuing Education
Learn 4 Life - Nationally accessible continuing education that offers life skills, child development, and high school diplomas. Also connects parents in need to free diapers, clothing, formula, childcare and other necessities.
Get your GED - GED official site, search engine for testing sites and classes near you